9 Netflix Mini-Reviews
Now you may or may not know that we watch way more movies than we write reviews. (Okay it’s pretty obvious actually…) But hey, instead of taking up your time with long, unnecessary reviews for streaming pics that are already irrelevant because of Squid Game (2021), we decided to take handfuls of new movies and review them all at once! Starting of course with Netflix originals, as those are the easiest to sum up in a paragraph. (Because most of them are bad…) So the next time you are scrolling through Netflix looking for a new release to watch, check out some of these! (More specifically, check out two of these and skip the rest.)
(Also this list in in order of the most recent one I watched to the oldest one. Just- in case you are wondering why my review for Thunder Force is so late…) On with the reviews!
There’s Someone Inside Your House (2021)
Special thank to Matt Ivey for suggesting this review! The poorly titled There’s Someone Inside Your House (2021) sees a group of high school seniors ban trying to evade a killer who is hunting students with hidden pasts wearing masks of them. The film’s premise is admittedly a stretch, but a unique one that rolls with the unbelievable setup. While I didn’t find the film thrilling or unpredictable, I thought it was a fairly decent look at broken people and the road to redemption from your past. Does it always work? Nah. But it’s a fairly decent 90 minutes. (Honestly this would have been better in a year that didn’t already give us the Fear Street trilogy…) But still, 5/10.
Every now and then a film is so fundamentally flawed that you have to wonder what they were thinking in the first place. Intrusion follows a couple who, after moving to a small town, has their lives shaken by a home invasion. The writing completely wastes Freida Pinto and Logan Marshall-Green, opting for twist and turn one after the other in a hilariously blatant Parasite (2019) inspired storytelling that in no way works for this type of film. Oddly enough, this is a rare instance where a film could use more, not less. Go all out! But instead the film seems content stopping at the only possible solation that it expects us to gasp at 45 minutes after we figured it out. 3/10. (Why no 2’s? Because I don’t care enough to give it that low a rating.)
The Guilty (2021)
The Guilty is a remake of the 2018 Danish film of the same name. The film stars Jake Gyllenhaal as a police officer who has been temporarily demoted and tasked with dispatch duty, or answering 9-1-1 calls. After he takes a call from a kidnapped woman, he becomes invested in finding her before it is too late… The film is admittedly better than most of the films on this list, giving its audience a compelling lead performance and a fairly riveting narrative to keep them entertained. Sadly, Gyllenhaal can’t save the film from an utterly dislikable protagonist and a fairly unbelievable story at its core. I haven’t seen the original, but I imagine it is more compelling than this. If you want to see a thrilling drama about a guy in one location trying to fix problems and therefor grow as a character, you are better off with Tom Hardy’s 2013 thriller Locke. 5/10.
The Starling (2021)
Melissa McCarthy stars in this drama/not-so-funny comedy as a woman who trikes up a feud with a bird living in her yard while trying to rebuild her life after a tragedy. Meanwhile her husband, played by Chris O’Dowd, is attempting to overcome his own mental troubles in a psych ward. The film means well, attempting to tell a moving story in a lighthearted way. Sadly but expectedly, The Starling completely misses the mark. The rocky pacing fails to blend the two character arcs, while the tone is one part heavy-hearted drama and one part wacky comedy about a woman vs a bird. The end result is a muddy story that ends up feeling more silly than emotional. More surprising, the writing never does McCarthy dramatic acting potential any favors! 4/10.
Sweet Girl (2021)
Sweet Girl stars Jason Momoa as a man out for revenge against the head of a corporation that withdrew an experimental drug that could have saved his wife from cancer. The film is as ridiculous as it sounds, not once asking the audience to buy into the concept of a normal guy who just chooses to become an unrealistic action hero against professional security guards. Sure you may say, “But Ryan, he’s Jason freaking Momoa!” To which I say, “You haven’t watched Sweet Girl have you?” This film will go down in my memory as one of the single silliest and most unbelievable plot twists in movie history for me. Sure I will give the film an entire point back for being the only time I can recall seeing Khal Drogo cry, but- just go watch The Rhythm Section (2020) instead… 3/10.
So there’s a stretch where I watched a bunch of Netflix originals. So Oxygène (or Oxygen) is a sci-fi thriller following a girl who wakes up in a medical pod with no memory of how she got there. The film is a French film, but it has to little dialogue that I swear if you use ‘not wanting to read’ as an excuse you can go watch Adam Sandler’s latest Netflix original instead. So I don’t want to give anything at all away of course, but Oxygène is pretty good! It manages to make the premise work without ever feeling dull or needing to toss in elements that don’t work for the small-scale. Want a brisk but competent thriller? Go check this out on Netflix. 7/10
Things Heard & Seen (2021)
Want a boring, totally incompetent thriller that changes genre every half hour? Well you can watch Things Heard & Seen! I’ve forgotten almost everything about this movie except that it’s quite dumb! There’s relationship drama, cliché and predictable characters, ghosts- wait what? Yeah its a stretch. In the right hands (cough cough Crimson Peak, 2016) this could work. But it doesn’t; here’s a 4/10.
Blue Miracle (2021)
Blue Miracle follows the head of an orphanage who ends up putting together a team, comprised of himself and several of the boys in the orphanage, to compete in a marlin fishing tournament under a grumpy boat captain played by Dennis Quaid. It’s a very uplifting, but typical PG film that checks all the beats of a motivational family film, down to the downright silly finale- holy crap this happened?!? Oh. Well in that case, it’s not so silly… yeah why not! Go check out Blue Miracle! 6/10.
Thunder Force (2021)
Last but somehow not least on the Netflix originals, we have Melissa McCarthy and Octavia Spencer as two ordinary people who, in a world full of supervillains, become the first two superheroes. And this is everything you should and could expect from a Ben Falcone directed film. It’s not that funny, there’s a kinda twist that the casting gives away, and the superhero stuff isn’t very interesting. It’s not garbage or anything, and I’ll tell you what, Jason Bateman as a man with crab arms absolutely saves this movie! I laughed alot! But it’s not good. For the record. 4/10. (But totally look up a few clips on YouTube of Bateman. Man give it his all!)
So yeah, that’s all I’ve got! How many of these Netflix Originals have you seen? Any that you think we got wrong? And here that we should write full reviews on? Be sure to leave a like or a comment below and let us know! And if you liked this rapid fire style, let us know in the comments and we’ll do more like it!
-reviews by Ryan Prince