Maybe the Worst Movie of 2020
Iron Mask (2020) movie review
Okay so there’s this film called Iron Mask, or Tayna pechati drakona because it’s Russian but its not because its also American and Chinese and I don’t know, there’s literally nine production companies credited in this film, and freaking fourteen distribution companies! Okay okay anyway, so Iron Mask starts out with this whole backstory about an ancient dragon that uses his eyelashes to make tea, but then evil people capture the dragon and control the tea and send the father and the daughter to separate ends of the world and this had me asking when the heck did a father and daughter come into the picture? Just then? Oh okay. Moving on with the story! Also SPOILERS from here on out. Yeah this is going to be the entire review.
So we then pick up with Jackie Chan, the old guy in the jail from Aladdin, and a really badly dubbed guy in an Iron Mask, and they are arguing over breakfast or something. Then a bird stops by with a letter that may or may not be for the Russian guy from this guy writing to his dad I think? But I guess the pigeon would have rather gone to the prison than to see Tywin Lannister. So then we get like six minutes of exposition that is definitely supposed to be on this teeny tiny scroll this pigeon had. Here we meet our top billed actor Jason Flemyng, who was apparently on his way back from his adventures in Transylvania and- then we discovered this was a sequel that had absolutely nothing to do with the original. Except we get the entire original just shoved in one big heap of exposition. Anyway blah blah Russia blah blah conveniently finds a Chinese boy or something that is definately going to turn out to be Jackie Chan’s daughter.
So prisoner in the Iron Mask writes to the guy’s wife I think and tells her that he is Peter the Prince of something of Russia and that if she gets him out he’ll help her husband. So she shows up and the most Austrian English prison ward Arnold freaking Schwarzenegger is fighting some prisoners and if they can climb a ladder they escape. So then Jackie Chan and Russian use a feather to escape like Tai Lung in Kung Fu Panda (kinda sorta not really) just to Jackie and Arnold can fight. Oh and some old guy literally dies of shock because he sees a woman. So then awkward antics and really confusing nonsense ensue as the Russian guy and the really awkward wide get away and Jackie fights Arnold. (Admittedly that’s the most entertaining thing in the movie by default.)
So then we leave the jail and don’t see our two famous people for another hour. Now we get a VERY Pirates of the Caribbean carriage chase, Russian guy gets on a boat, wife gets on a boat, and this is where I just got up to fold some laundry. It was more interesting to me that I get laundry done than catch the middle of this movie. When I came back they were still on a boat, so I didn’t miss much did I? So they are all in China now and an evil guy with some giants who have the powers of the weird guys from Big Trouble in Little China is being mean to villagers and he’s working for the witch using the dragon eyelashes.
So she captures main guy who is not really main guy cause he’s barely in the film and wife and Russian Prince and a fake dragon using electricity is going to kill them but then one of the pirates saves them. Except Russian Prince; he’s actually with the Witch who prisoned him or something. Anyway the three brothers that Arnold let go earlier have a bunch of people and the girl now, so they make umbrellas and use their Ewok umbrella contraptions to fly down (up but physics) and fight the bad peoples.) Pirates join them and finale time!
So they beat the big guys who are really easy to beat with very simple things that take them forever to try, meanwhile Russian guy is immune to all poisons ever- and that’s basically the end of his involvement in this movie. So Witch puts on a mask that makes her look like the girl, and she and the girl fight over a necklace that will free the dragon. Or control it. Or something. Anyway so the two of them start fighting in what is easily the most confusing fight I’ve seen outside or bad editing, then the four of them, cause there’s suddenly two henchwomen also wearing magic masks helping the witch- Whatever the witch wins, so she kicks her henchwomen off a cliff because evil, then everyone realizes its her because the flying blue monkey recognizes the other girl. But then she kills main guy! And blue monkey! And earlier one of the three brothers but I forgot about that. So she tries to escape but she fails and falls because Jackie Chan is the dragon! Or he isn’t, it’s confusing.
So everyone who just dies is alive and Jackie takes Arnold to China to see the dragon and he shows him some landscape. The end. So look, when I don’t watch 100% of a film, I give it some slack when considering its place on my Top 10 Worst Films of 2020. But guys, this movie was so bad that I almost enjoyed it! All the performances are terrible, every aspect of this movie looks bad, the action was really- unoriginal? I mean you know your movie is bad when you are borrowing from The Great Wall. That is NOT a good movie! I mean compared to this that’s the freaking Godfather and Matt Damon is Marlon Brando. But oh my gosh this film is just nuts! The pacing and editing is all over the place, as is the use of language. We didn’t select any language options, but some people clearly speak English, some are dubbed over from Russian and Chinese- and let me tell you, this dubbing made the movie so much ironically better! But as bad as it was, I can think of AT LEAST two major released this year that were worse. Still, Iron Mask is indeed so bad, it’s good! 2/10.
So Iron Mask? Have you seen it yet? You should. It’s nuts! Anyway be sure to leave a like or a comment below and let us know! And hey if you liked this review and want to read more, let us know what else we should review in the comments! Well not review IN the comments, but let us know in the comments and we’ll review it- just, not in the comments!
-review by Ryan Prince