Playmobil: The Movie
Playmobil: The Movie (2019) movie review
Playmobile©: The Movie, not starring Daniel Radcliffe by the way, follows Marla and Charlie, a brother and sister sucked into the world of Playmobil©. However when Marla and Charlie get split up, Marla will set out on an adventure to find him, with the help of several characters along the way, one of whom happens to be Daniel Radcliffe’s Rex Dasher, a secret agent marketed as the lead character. The film also stars Anya Taylor-Joy as Marla, and comedian Jim Gaffigan as Del, a hay salesman who aids Marla throughout the film. Think I spoiled the movie? Each of those things are revealed immediately, because one thing Playmobil©: The Movie doesn’t have is subtly.
This year we’ve, well I’ve, tried to keep somewhat professional when it comes to reviews, using big words and long, fair statements. Stuff like that, you know? So last night we skipped Dark Waters (2019) because we just didn’t have enough time to see two movies. I wanted to see Honey Boy, but Rachel wanted to see a two hour toy commercial. I am positive those are the event of last night, don’t let Rachel tell you any different! Also last night is Thursday night in case I just can’t make it through this review. But I sat through Playmobil©: The Commercial: The Musical: The Movie. Oh yeah, it’s a musical! Since Playmobil©: The Commercial: The Musical: The Movie makes it clear right off the bat that it is not just The LEGO© Movie (2014), it’s also The Second Part (2019)! Ugh look, this movie is al kinds of bad, and not in a ‘so bad, it’s good’ way. I just paid $2 for Norm of the North (2016) on Black Friday to go in my ‘so bad, it’s good’ section, so trust me, this movie is legitimately less enjoyable overall than Norm of the Freaking North. Look it up.
Okay so first of all, I understand that the idea behind the movie is necessary for its existence. Except Playmobil©: The Commercial: The Musical: The Movie never justifies its own existence beyond the potential boost to toy sales. And hey, it’s just in time for Christmas! And yeah, LEGO© Movie is a big commercial for LEGO© toys, complete with visiting different sets you can buy and build on to. But what I love about LEGO© Movie is that it actually goes for the feels and delivers a fairly solid emotional payoff to its story and themes. And you guessed it, those are not to be found in this Great Value© brand of that better movie based on that honestly better product. (SPOILERS by the way.) But who cares amiright? Seriously, the no people that sat through the movie with us didn’t care, and this movie is going to make no money. Man we could have seen Mark Ruffalo take on an oil company or crazy director Shai and his kid or something instead of this. Or how about streaming? We could have watched The King, or The Report, or Marriage Story, or jeez maybe anything else! But we do get all the wonderful worlds of Vikings and spies and gladiators and pirates that are sure to make kids wish they were coming up with a better story than a weird Roman Caesar capturing people to make them fight a big T-Rex, because movie has to villain even when your plot is resolvable without facing- fears? Regret? Ugh, I don’t even know what the point of this stupid movie is!
Rachel says I am putting too much work into this. But she got to review Klaus (2019), which is actually good, so she can deal with it. Granted I’ve already put so much into this, you’ll probably be reading this on Saturday instead of Friday. Okay anyway, uh, yeah Playmobil©: The Commercial: The Musical: The Movie. It’s really bad for all these reasons: The quality, the acting, the music, the story, the pacing, the humor, the tone, uh- the internal logic? Okay I’ll rapid fire these for you: The quality of animation actually isn’t great, missing the mark in terms of texturing when it comes to backgrounds, but also failing to make anything look like the Playmobil© toys! How can you miss the mark on that? LEGO© Movie isn’t perfect, but the absolute perfection that went into the digital construction is second to none. Anya Taylor-Joy kinda phones in her performance and I don’t blame her. Gabriel Bateman wasn’t terrible, and Daniel Radcliffe and Jim Gaffigan both try their best, but neither are able to save the horrible direction constantly given to them. I think it was something like “Okay Jim, that was great! But remember, you aren’t a good character, so try it a bit more selfish. Okay?” Yeah the characters are all pretty bad, with a villain who has no real motivation, relevance, or depth; and dislikable characters beyond that. Next thing! Music numbers were all forgettable and added literally nothing to the movie. The pacing starts off slow, picks up a tad, and completely drops to a crawl through the entire second act, which is just location jumping for the sake of finishing the company’s quarterly sales or something business-y. Whatever it is, it’s motivated by $$$. I also chuckled once, and it was just a name joke. Thanks Disney for making that the only type of funny humor. Yeah, that’s it. I’m good.
Playmobil©: The Toy: The Commercial: The Musical: The Movie is garbage. There isn’t a single good reason to see it. Kids? Take them to Frozen II. Sure they won’t ger why its so dark and depressing, but they won’t get why you hate them after this movie if you take them there. Actually Playmobil©: The Toy: The Commercial: The Musical: The Movie: The Cashgrab kicks things off with a cheery dead parents cold open after the first fun music montage, so have fun with the kids either way! (I don’t know how Cold Opens work apparently.) Honestly, even if this movie did have redeeming qualities, it is the most mismarketed film I have seen this year, and it deserves to be tossed in with The Emoji Movie (2017) for making me hate movies, and since they each gave me a single chuckle, I’d say that Playmobil©: The Toy: The Commercial: The Musical: The Movie: The Cashgrab deserves exactly the same rating! Basically, it’s garbage. 1/10.
So Playmobil©: The Toy: The Commercial: The Musical: The Movie: The Cashgrab: The Review? Did you read it? What did you think? And what else would you want us to review? I would ask if you saw the movie, but please don’t! I would literally rather have watched Serenity (2019) again instead of this! Anyway, this review doesn’t really matter but if you enjoyed reading it anyway, or like our reviews, please leave a like and a comment below letting us know, because we saw this stupid movie so you didn’t have to!
-Review by Ryan Prince